Monday, June 20, 2011

american dream-weaver housewife person

i've been a housewife just about my whole adult life.
when we were kids, our mom worked outside the home.
she had to. but things didn't work out well because of it.
we did things we shouldn't have done and things were done to us that shouldn't have been done.
i guess i decided from a very early age that i would stay home and try to be june cleaver. (even though i didn't like her voice).
i  liked how she went in and talked to the boys and ironed things out, and then put the beave and wally to bed.
and the way she gave cookies to eddie even though she knew he was up to somethin'.
i was never that kind of housewife.
i just couldn't cook in high heels and pearls.
i was too fat.
i did wear a big ass apron though.
speaking of which-
you know that old question 'which came first the chicken or the egg'?
i got one for ya. which comes first, a big butt or not going anywhere?
i mean is it if you don't go anywhere, you get a big butt or if you get a big butt you don't wanna go anywhere?
this one has had me going around and around. (i hope you're laughing) if youre not laughing, you're probly stinkin skinny.
anyway, even though i've been a housewife all these years, i have found it to be rewarding.
it was very hard for me being a home mom and seeing others having 'careers'. they would say things like, 'it must be nice to be able to stay home'.
oh yeah. if you like low self-esteem, everyone blaming you for everything, no pay, poverty, and frumpiness. this was me. this was the mom i was. but i was so sold out to my convictions! i just couldn't leave home.
then the divorce happened. ( i think i got a little too frumpy)
for about a year after i lost 80 lbs on the devastation diet, and  turned 40,
i was at the peak of my life! i felt like everyday was my birthday.
i went dancing again, concerts, traveled, had BIG dreams.

but then- i met a man. we got married.

at the time, my xhusband had custody of our boys and my new husband's x had custody of theirs.
all grown up
when we got married, we bought a hUge house (during the clinton days) and got full custody of all of them. FIVE.
the oldest was 14.
the youngest was 8.
i had 2 jobs and was slim and busy,
but the boys had all been through divorce and terrible life changes.
they were having a hard time adjusting, and leaving them home after school or wheneVer was DANGEROUS.
we decided i would s t a y h o m e.
and you know- -we may not have been the best examples of parenting,  but we have raised 5 wonderful men.
we were devoted.
though me not working was so hard financially.
one time, we went to get foodstamps.
the lady in the office, yelled at me and humiliated me.
they wanted us to sell our van so we could get money.
i tellya. it's crazy. my husband visits the juvies in the  local jail every week. we see what happens to kids when there's no one home and no one to give the attention to kids especially from broken homes. imagine how much money the taxpayers would save if families were able to earn a subsidy for one parent staying home.  instead of having them land in prison. prison costs big money!
we have raised 5 gentlemen. hardworking citizens with ethics and morals. they contribute to this society.
and what do i get for staying home? well- pretty much- nothin.
i mean in the sense that i get no social security, i have no retirement or pension, no medical benefits, nothin-nada-zip.
i put my trust in the Lord though. He is the one who has brought us through it all.
He has taken care of us thus far and will take care of us as He will in the future.
i don't get riled about government stuff. too many things to get mad about. but
'i have a dream' (thankyou martin)
SOMEbody NEEDS to stay HOME! it's worth having a big butt for.

Friday, June 17, 2011

a long and winding road

duncan, my youngest son, is in telluride colorado right now. he and his girlfriend and 3 other friends, piled in a van on monday for an amazing rocky mountain and bluegrass adventure. i'm so happy for them!
not to steal their thunder or anything, this journey of theirs has taken my brain back to my girl days, when i myself was a bit of an adventurer.
looking at the map and the roads leading to telluride, i saw some of my own journey before me.
memories of silverton, durango, pagosa springs, and mesa new mexico. some of the greatest experiences of my life in those few short months.
i was a hitch hiker.
i wore a long 40's  house dress and old lace up boots.
i carried a leather duffle bag with all my worldly posessions.
i had a multitude of necklaces around my neck (gifts from fellow travelers), and rings on every finger. i jingled. haha!
i usually had my long blonde hair tied in braids and i had an old vintage coat to keep me warm.
in fact,
once when i was soliciting a ride, i had my old coat on and a flowered scarf around my head and someone picked me up because they thought i was a little old lady out in the middle of nowhere.
i was so young and such a whisp of a thing.
i would lose my mind if i had a daughter doing that.
and my two sisters were doing the same thing at that time!
it was the 70's. and we must've been on the road for a year or more.
no fear. naive. wandering the long roads to anywhere.

growing up in a a small factory and farm midwestern town, all we could think about was getting out,  heading west. 
going out west was the dream.

i have hundreds of stories of close calls and people i met along the way.
the hunger the lonliness, the freedom, the call of the wild as it were.
i regret a lot of things in my life, but mostly things that i did to people and attitudes i've had. i have to say though, that even though i wouldn't want any of my kids to do what i did, i don't regret my travels.

times are different now. more cars, more speed, more danger, more pervs, more people, more of everything.

i really appreciate the folks i met, the places i saw, the escapes i made, and the Lord's angels that were with me.
i was a fool. but man do i have some amazing stories.
Thankyou Lord for sparing me.
and please bring duncan home safe.

Monday, June 13, 2011

mmmm s m e l l

i guess because it was such a long winter
with darkness, sniffles, plugged ears and no taste,
my senses seem so acute right now.
i know you probably know that the sense of smell
triggers more memories than sight.

 i feel like i've been hidden away for a long time
and i've just come out and the smells are
pulling memories of my childhood that
i didn't even know i had.
no big deal memories.
just little magical memories. impish memories.
like i'm a kid inside this old body.
oh-btw- i found out yesterday, i'm only 56.
ever since my birthday, i thought i was 57.
i can't tell you what it meant to me to know
i was younger than i thought.
have you ever seen a magician make someone disappear?
it kinda felt like that.
anyway, how about the smell of grass and clover.
how about the sweet fragrance of sheets on the line and
wild roses and lilacs and dirt.
i wonder if we'll smell in heaven? haha-i mean have the sense of smell.
maybe it'll be the most beautiful
beyond our imaginations
and so familiar it'll make us feel safer than we ever felt.
 i bet the Lord smells good.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

it's 2:30 pm

so what have i done all day?
well, it started out with a wakeup lying in bed,
dreamily listening through the crack in my window.
i didn't hear rain but it was still kinda dark, suns not out but the air is sweet and cool and the swallows are chittering as they do aerobatics from the barn's eaves.
i moved my legs and heard sylvia my cat purr and mutter.
she sneaks onto the bed when she knows we're in our REM.
i kicked off the quilt along with sylvia and stumbled into the loo.
i decided, looking in the mirror, even in my bleary state, that some of my hair was going to have to go.
i have 'thinning shears'.
i'm not complaining about my thick crop of hair.
so glad i have it, but at a point in time it must be thinned.
so i did a little clip clip here and a clip clip there
and then stepped into a steaming hot shower.
after drying and primping i got dressed fast.
pulled on my favorite cotton crops and a sweatshirt and felt ready for the day.
in the kitchen i turned on the gas under the tea kettle
and readied my bag of earl grey in my 1890's bluebird mug.
while the water was heating up i fed the kitties their morning chicken tuna special kittie breakfast.
grabbing my cup of brewing tea now, i stepped into the morning room. (that's what we call our living room in the morning)
this is where joe and i meet. He in the sofa, me on the lounge.
we read our Bibles and pray together. this wasn't always the way it was but it is now and i love it.
next comes breakfast. i LOVE my cornflakes.
i have to eat organic no sugar. my cornflakes are organic sweetened with fruit juice.
i pour soy milk over them and then a drizzle of maple flavored agave.
i could live on 'em.
joe and i eat in the dining room. quietly slurping and crunching and thinking about the tasks before us.
he usually tells me where he's going and when he'll be home and kisses me goodbye.
then there's me.
it's a cold day for being june 8th.
but it was still.   unusual for these parts.
so i went outside and checked on all my newly planted flowers and veggies,
checked on my plants in the greenhouse and began pulling weeds in the garden.
then i got the clippers.
then i got the rake,
then i got the shovel
and before i knew it i had spent two hours putzing and picking and pruning and playing.
i had to go in quickly to use the loo, and oh my gosh!
i had left the kettle on for my second cup of tea!
but Praise the Lord there was still a tiny bit of water in it
and nothing was ruined or burned to the ground!
from now on i'll be using the whistle part of the kettle.
though i might not have heard it outside.
this is how my day goes sometimes. flying by the seat of my favorite cotton crops,
i sat down in front of the computer with my tea and thought i'd look at etsy for a bit.
i saw an artist who knocked my socks off! so inspiring.
the kind of painter i wish i was.
he painted with fortitude and integrity, wit and charm and color and of olden days.
i wrote him.
you have to write a title to your note, so i titled it
' um. . . '
my note read,
'your work is breathtaking'
about an hour later he wrote back and said i had made his day! imagine that.

when joe came home for lunch, he told me about his hassels at home depot.
i said, in my 57 yr. old woman voice-
'well, something's got to be done' or '
we'll just see about that' or
'that's just not right'!
so we wrote a complaint. 
a real complaint.
a valid complant.
one that might just make a difference.
as we tried to send it , it just kept shutting down.
we tried to send it 6 times, but the website would just keep shutting down.
so joe called home depot and we got an e-mail address of some poor schmuck who has to take the brunt of other peoples mistakes. we sent that letter and when we did, we got 6 computerized replies from home depot, thanking us for our correspondence.

now i'm writing my blog (though i took a 5 minute friend break to talk to a kindred spirit, teri. love that girl.)
 i need to think about dinner and painting and tomorrow and other stuff come what may.
days come and go. some people think you are what you do.
i think you are what you hope to be. i hope to be joyful and grateful and at peace with where God has me.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

millenium falcon

27 years ago today, my first husband mike, my 12 yr. old step-daughter niki, and i, carefully squeezed into the front of our 63 falcon ranchero.
niki , of course sat in the middle, knees locked together so mike could use the 3 on the floor gear shift.
i was in the first stages of labor and HuGe!
little tanner stayed with friends as we made the hour long trek to portland from sandy.
it was a beautiful day and i was so happy to be in labor. we sang songs and when i'd go into a contraction, i'd say, 'okay, here i go, i'll be right back' and i'd breathe and focus until it quieted and we would resume our singing.
this beautiful first day of june was the perfect day for our sweet william to be born,
because he is an exceptional child! haha. (spoken like a true mom)
i knew when i named him will, i might be in for it, but i took the chance.
from the beginning, he had an incredible will.
starting with the fact that-he didn't want to come out.
and he didn't come out until he was almost taken out by c-section.
at the very last moment, (all praise to God in heaven) after i had been prepped for surgery, and just about to be wheeled to the operating table, he began to move on down. and within half an hour, he was born.
and he's been like this ever since!
but what a joy this boy has been to me and to the world around him.
he is one of the wittiest, brightest, funloving guys i've ever had the priveledge to know.
but he has a serious side too.  when he decides to do something, he is brilliant at making it so. he has an incredible work ethic and he knows truth when he sees it.
i am so proud of him. i thank God for letting me be his mom.
 i found an old cassette tape of his baby dedication.
it's pretty cool to hear his papa praying over him and him gooing and cooing in the back ground.
what a funny baby he was. what a dear sweet toddler, what a firecracker of a kid he was, what a fine man he has become.
happy birthday willy. i'm truly grateful for you. you've made me a better person.

haha -  i wish i still had that 63 falcon ranchero. what a sweet little ride.