Saturday, March 26, 2011

cover your mouth

cough -
and the whole world coughs with you.

what does one coffin say to another coffin? 
"is that you coffin?"
 i used to laugh and laugh at this little joke.

is that you whoopin'?
i decided i'd use it to segway into the fact
that i've had whooping cough for the last week.

so by now,
because of the last 2 illnesses,
i've taken 3 sets of antibiotics in the past 2 months.
i know a lot of folks have been suffering similar illnesses recently.

it's been kinda rough, but i think the hardest part about it was keeping a good attitude.
trying to remember others terrible struggles and  praying for them when i would start to give into my self pity.

good things can't happen in this life without a little ouch to keep us balanced and grateful and awake.

the thing is, that we have all these plans.
all these things we're going to do, and get done.
schedules, deadlines, lists and menus.
but you know, we don't always have our say in the matters.

isn't that one of the craziest things we humans have in common?
we think we know what we're going to do,
and even know what we will be known for doing.

 there's nothing wrong with having a goal or a dream or a calling,
but when it turns into an ideal,
or one becomes idealistic,
these plans can become potentially catastrophic.

 i mean, through my experience  in this life, my greatest devastations have come, from my ideals being destroyed or compromised; having my plans uprooted by some outside person or circumstance.

whether physical, financial, social, or spiritual, ideals can become idols that we worship, rather than being a goal we're working toward for this space and time in our life.

i guess being a member of  the 'enlightened age' (fifties) it might be a lot easier for us to see this than our younger peers.

of course seeing the devastation of japan, the floods and disasters in our own land, economic woes, disease and moral degradations,
it's pretty easy to see that 'we are not in control'

 at this age when my body feels very weak and fading,
i don't feel the security of my ideals, my strengths, and my will.

but to me, this is a good thing.  i like being where i am.
(though it took some time to wrap my pride around it)
i want to be able to 'tuck and roll' with it now even when it's more difficult to get on my knees.
i guess my goal is to grow and live and have my being in
my joy, my hope, & my rock
who never changes and never fails.
He is one plan i can stake my life on.
in my weakness He is strong.
eventually He WILL get me to the other side.
so anyway, that's my thoughts for today.
i hope they can be food for your thoughs. (like to hear them)

i love my kids and maybe someday they'll read their old mom's words and take a few to heart.
until then
 cover your mouth when you cough.

arms akimbo

Sunday, March 20, 2011

back to the light

i believe in Jesus Christ as the Messiah and coming King . He is the only way to the Father.
i don't believe this for any other reason, but that i was chosen to believe this. which makes me all the more humble and grateful. i love Him because He first loved me.
i believe in a God who is sovereign and good.
He is all that is good.
 in His love and goodness He chose to experience pain, suffering, betrayal, and death through His only son for our sakes.

He did this to atone for the damning sin that causes each one of us to hate, judge, kill, mock, covet, avenge, and pontificate.

generally speaking we are conceived in lust and then we live out our days completely absorbed in our own selfish ambitions, self righteousness, self conciousness, and even self loathing,
but from conception to the grave we are consumed with self.
 in the end we die, with the self we cared about and put before all others;
rotting into slime before finally taking on the likeness of the clay, of which we were formed.

we will all die. whether by natural causes, illness, or disaster.
some by murder whether in the womb or in our beds.
what then? i mean, really. what then? just gone? return 3 days later as a horse or butterfly?

i believe we are destined for something much larger than this.
 much greater than this.
i believe we will be transformed. much like a kernal of corn in the dark ground is transformed into a beautiful tall stalk living in the sunlight.
i believe that there will no longer be a measure of time and that there will be no more darkness.
rather, we will live in light,  in every aspect of light,
i.e. knowing  and understanding completely,
 the goodness of our God and what He has done in full.
               > this is heaven.

i believe hell will be darkness.
always reaching but never attaining.
knowing how many many many times i hurt someone or denied the Love of my God
with no chance to change.  (no more time)
knowing all the opportunities i had for charity and joy and repentance, but chose my self before all things.
(my conceit, my pride, my rights.)
with such regret as to cause gnashing of teeth.

we are all in this second category.
none of us are righteous or deserve anything less then hell,
unless. . .
we accept the gift that has been given us - the sacrifice that was made for us.

we didn't make ourselves sinners.
we are sinners.
a snake is a snake. a bird is a bird.
but we have been granted the eyes to see and the ears to hear,
of a gift that was given us with the greatest sacrifice in love and mercy.

you may refute this statement of faith.
it is a hard thing to understand if you haven't been chosen too yet.
but speaking from my heart, what value am i to you if  i 'hide my light under a bowl'?

mercy triumphs over judgement!

grace and peace to you
in love,

Friday, March 18, 2011

i. . . am an artist.

i can't even begin to tell you how hard it is for me to say these words.
wow. even as i write them,
tears burn my eyes.
as i head toward my own second childhood, memories come marching back with  a clarity that makes them seem almost cliche'.
like i've remembered them over and over
or looked at that photo album too many times.
but the captions of these memories are changing.
what used to be 'lee anne, cooking at the stove' is now 'lee wanting more than anything to be out on her own' or 'lee anne in front of her 2nd birthday cake' is now, 'dad was drunk in the background'.
scanning these memories at this stage of my life, i see a culmination of environments, influences, experiences, and desires that make up this peabody. 
when i look at my boys as adults, i can't help seeing them as babies, toddlers, children, adolescents, all at the same time. it's just amazing.
but now, for some reason, i'm sorta seeing me in the same way.
i hate to sound so me me me, but you're not here right now, for me to hear you say, (hopefully), 'yeah! same here! i know what you mean!'
i really have to interject here,  credit to the Lord , who works all things together for the good of those who love Him.
so upon sober self examination, i ask my heart, who have i been?
what am i made for?
what is the reoccuring theme in my life? ( i mean besides survival)
in times of peace, what is it that truly seems to be the thread that shines in this tapestry.  for me, it is -
the aesthetics.
like it or not, this is what it is.
and as i say it outloud, or see it here in this blog,
i except it.
i wish i was a nurse or a missionary or a forest ranger or a physicist or something more 'worthwhile',
but i'm not.
the sad part about it all- the saddest part of it all, is that i have felt like a poser all my life.
(even now.)
i have had no education in art or music or writing beyond highschool.
i would not could not give myself permission to spend the money or the time on such 'frivolities'. and the lack of learning discipline has been a severe handicap.
i only have a little time left so just DO it!
the arts may not be for everyone, but whatever you do, do it as unto the Lord!
he is Love
except your gift with warm embrace and go go go.

meanwhile, i'll try to take my own advice too  :)

p.s. in an attempt to adhere to my discovery, i have taken on a new name which is gigi. given to me by my first (and only) year, french teacher, mrs. dalton.
it looks really good on my paintings.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

let there be light

Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.
 And God said, "Let there be light", and there was light. God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness.

when a person is angry or empty or depressed, we often refer to these moods as dark.
when a person is giving, encouraging, or joyful, we refer to these moods as bright.
interesting to me how the natural order of things align with God's first spoken words to the earth.
i have been in places of darkness. i have felt formless and void of purpose or strength.
no motivation to create, to move, to go forward. all is futile.

there is a place for darkness. there are secret places even  sacred places that may be in darkness, but there is always a separation from light in darkness.
where there is day there can be no night and visa versa.

i'm a morning person so i get up as soon as i see light.
other friends of mine are night people. they get up at noon and stay up into the night.
but...they still need light.
when i think of painting or photography, one of the most important things the artist strives for is the light.  the shadows must be there to stage the light. moreover, even the darkest photos or painting, must have light to identify the subject.
even a sillhouette needs light to identify the subject.
sillhouettes are very pretty, but very flat and empty, so i would rather be rendered in depth of color and light.

this is my prayer for today.

Friday, March 11, 2011

homage to a star

on saturday of this week of this month of this year is my friend's birthday. so i decided i'd post a little montage of homage to her.
                                                she is compassionate to the point of breaking her heart on a regular basis. but with joy and hope she goes forward with a drive and resolution to be used and to bless her family and friends. she loves to dance and to find the poetry in life.      she knits lovingly,
cans fruit with laughter, & considers others greater than herself.
she gives up coffee for lent but finds caffine in chai (shhh).
she can wear a vintage suit like a model in a magazine
and make a pair of old tatered pants look like high fashion.

she bakes lemon tarts and apple pies and lives in a candy coated cabin in the oregon alps- yodelayheooo                                                              ~she is one of the best grandma's i've ever seen and her little isabella rosie is going to be a wonderful lady because of her devotion.

teri is a wizz that wizzes if ever there was a wizz that wuz. she's on the move balancing her home her family her friends her family her car her hubby her family and back again.

i hope with all my heart she has the best birthday weekend ever. in such a sad world, it is so good that God gave us the little stars of light like teri.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

part violet part ham

this blogging thing is a trip.
it's kinda risky letting folks inside your head but it's kinda cool to share your thoughts with them too.
being the kind of person who could never even commit to a bumper sticker, for fear of offending someone,
it really has been liberating and inspiring.
i guess, even though i like to stay home because i'm somewhat of a shrinking (yeah i wish) violet, i am also a hAm.
btw- i have a bumper sticker now. it says KEEP ODELL WEIRD. that's the little rural town we live in.
a  n  y  w  a  y
my friend cindy thinks i'm an exibitionist.
in a sense, this is true.
i can sing in front of crowds, but i can't talk to them.
i can paint paintings and hang them in shows and galleries, but i can't explain them.
i don't wear sexy or flamboyant clothing, but i do wear odd baggy clothing. and very old coats.
i am exactly the same as i was in highschool!
i love to make people laugh, but my face still turns beet red if i see someone i know in the grocery store!!!
what's up with that!!!?
oh well. it keeps me humble!
God made everyone with so many lovely facets to reflect Himself
to every different kind of person, if we only will.
the apostle Paul said he would be all things to all men.
to be salt and light.
isn't that a great goal for this little whisp of a life? to be next to someone and make them feel better about themselves, or valuable, or loved?
i wish i could do that  :)
anybody like a little violet with their ham?

Thursday, March 3, 2011

day four

last night i was at the end of my coping ability.
all i could think about was going to the hospital and getting oxygen and some wonderful i.v. drug to put me out of my misery.
if you know me, you know how much i abhor (fear loathe hate) hospitals, so either i'm a wuss or i'm really really sick.
but, praise the Lord, it's always darkest before the dawn, and today, 
even though i'm still in the bed,
i can breathe.
i have hope. ahhh, hope springs eternal . . .
unless you can't breathe.
i am amazed at how intellect, reasoning or spiritual insight, all come crashing to a hault when i am unable to function physically.
i mean, pain beyond reason or gasping for air.   all focus goes to trying to alleviate the suffering.
i asked God last night "what is the point in this? how can i be an effective human in this world if i'm this sick?"
well, obviously He knew it wouldn't last and that i would be writing about it today.
isn't it GREAT how God gives us the opportunity to find Him in every circumstance?
one of the things i've thought about on this 4 day bed ride, is how hard it must be to be alone.
i have my wonderful husband, who works and makes me toast and tea and fills the humidifier and buys roasted chicken at the grocery.
in the pain of body; chest-head-ears-throat-lungs-blowing my nose 342 times (got the kleenex to prove it)
how does one take care of themselves? does the strength come? sounds sad to me, but!
you know what's sadder?
 to think about not having someone to take care of.
i need to be needed. i need it more than anything else.
but i'm sometimes  afraid to commit. i have a fear of letting people down. because i will let them down you know. so what's that all about?
well this train don't carry no strangers.
i guess i want to avoid conflict which i will always have if i want to have a real relationship with someone.
  if you really love someone, you have to be able to work through conflict.
to  reason, backdown, communicate, love the person as yourself etc...
it's work. right lena? (i love you)  it's so worth it.
the strongest relationships i have, are the ones that have had a bit of  conflict we were able to work through.
if the relationship is the goal, then 'being right' or 'the winner' isn't always neccessary (except in scrabble)
i hope, when i get outta bed, someone needs me. just call me- p l e a s e ?