blood moon

i don't sleep that well anymore anway, but when ever there's going to be  a total lunar eclipse or some other night sky event, i get kinda weird.
i wake up every half hour to see what time it is. this time i finally woke up at 3:30 am., when the moon was supposed to be fully eclipsed.
i pulled on my shoes,  grabbed a coat from the closet and ran outside. i stood there in the pale night searching, searching the sky for the blood moon, when i realized, there were no stars. the fog was very high, and i knew if the moon weren't eclipsed, i would be able to see it through the heavenly mist. but it was hiding behind the earth's shadow, so i couldn't find it. even eclipsed, the moon combined with the fog made the night not dark. it was gray. void gray. dark shadows of trees, farm lamps piercing their surroundings with long needles of light. cold silence. i stood there taking it in, as i rarley go outside at 3:30 am.
the donkey in the barnyard snuffed. i felt like the moon was laughing at me. i imagined where it was. i thought i saw a whisp of it for a fleeting second and i determined it was right above me. i gave up. i yawned, and walked back into my warm house. i hung my coat in the closet, kicked off my shoes, and climbed into bed.
me and the moon had a thing.

meet joe fox

yesterday morning i decided to make a pot of vegetable soup.

it was a snowy morning and that just sounded like the right thing to do.

i went out to the frig that's in the garage.

up top in it's freezer, i keep frozen berries, apples, pumpkin and cherries and in the lower part i keep potatoes, onions, drinks and carrots.

my carrots from the garden.

i gathered a few assorted shapes n sizes and brought them on into the kitchen.

i peeled them carefully and then went to slice them.
my knife crunched through the first giant orange thumb and woah! the aroma was so powerful!

it was SO powerful , it transported me back in time. back to 1975- i think.

i lived and worked in kalispell montana. i got a job at a healthy food deli.

joe fox

we served everything with alfalfa sprouts. the soups were artisan, the sandwiches were mountain high and ya know, everyone who worked there had long hair.

kila

one of the gentlemen who worked there was joe fox. i quiet man from vermont who was quick of wit and loved to laugh. he lived in kila. a little settlement in a beautiful valley just 10 mi? outside kalispell.

he invited us to his house one day and we rode on out there in our 48 willys wagon.

his house was an old old house, and we were surprised to see, when we went inside, he had insulated the entire house with stacks of newspaper tied in bundles. it was a bit dangerous, but we were young and didn't really think about those kind of things. it seemed like an excellent idea!

he heated and cooked with wood. it was snowy outside and  it gets very cold in montana.  it was getting near dinner time so  he said, 'lets go out to the garden and get us some veggies'.  we got our coats on and went out to the snowy covered patch.

dead remnants of herbs and marigolds, tansy and sunflowers stood like three dimentional shadows drooping toward the earth.

he got a shovel, and low! and behold! he started digging up carrots and turnips ! (this was before i had ever grown a serious garden so this was really something!)

eureka! we hit gold! i think we even had to pump our own water but in the end, i cooked us up a stew i'll never forget. nothing like a cast iron dutchoven simmering a home grown stew on a wood cookstove.

i had many little adventures in montana. such hard working idealistic folks there. you had to have some kinda fire in your own belly to make it through those 20-40 below winters. but there never was anything more beautiful than the stars that hung above the rockies. i can see why they stay.

those montana rockies

the subject was wrinkles

allegory

 

 

i wadded up a new fresh stiff piece of paper

and then i unwadded it.

it was all wrinkly but it was a little softer.

i wadded it up again and then i unwadded it.

i smoothed it out. it's wrinkles made it pliable.

i wadded it up again and again and it started to take on a different color.

it reflected light differently.

and it was so much more interesting

than the fresh stiff piece it had been.

the fresh stiff paper could take on someone elses rendering.

it could be what someone else thought it should be

but the wadded paper had it's own character.

 

a regular person came in the room.

they wanted the fresh white paper

so they could draw themselves on it

or turn it into a hat or a plane.

if they made a mistake, they would tear it up and throw it away.

they didn't want to have anything to do with the wadded paper,

because it was old and used.

but then

a remarkable person came into the room.

they looked at the stiff new paper and the old soft wadded paper.

and said, 'well, what have we here'?

the remarkable person picked up the wrinkled paper and held it to the light.

the remarkable person stroked the soft used paper and decided

this would be much better to wrap his precious gift in.

the end.

 

october's hope

 last life most bright

showing all 

 the best of what it has been

resonating joy against

impending finality

fruit and seed, color and golden light

all defy it's ominous promise.

proof that

death is not the end

but a silent timeless sleep

while the earth is prepared

for new life

more glorious than the last.

by gigi murphy

writer's guild  #3

i n e r t i a

i am experiencing a powerful sense of inertia today.

the sky is moody cloudy breezy with drizzle.

the house is cool but not cool enough for an added heat source.

i have been moving randomly from room to room, putzing mostly.

my thoughts wander.

my prayers seem futile.

i wanted to find a picture of inertia to insert into this blog.
i realized, while i am experiencing inertia,
i don't know the math of it.
i would be posing to put some sort of physics equation in here,
and then, i realized that even that decision is inertia.
i opened my 1925 'winston simplified
(intermediate edition) dictionary
and looked up the word 'inertia'
defined here as 'sluggishness; lack of activity; that property by virtue of which matter tends to remain
at rest...
the word directly across from inertia in the left hand column is 'industry'.

i also notice on the same page, the words ineffectual, inefficient, inelastic, inelegance, inexcusable, inexpedience and finally, inexorable.

> all leading to inexperience.
i once read the first part of a book called 'the war of art'
the author described in detail, the force of 'resistance' that comes when ever a person is about to do what he or she was intended to do.
whether it be creating, singing, going for a walk, reading the Bible, praying, giving, sacrificing time for someone, or anything that would be good for you and others.

you know the feeling.

i think what i need right now, is a friend with a very large leash. anyone wanna take me for a walk?
you pull.

Love and Learn

well, our annual cornathon went off without a hitch. . . except maybe for the corn.

it was not so good this year, but the celebration was, i have to say,

the best one ever. i wish i could invite the whole world!

i think there were 56 people all total if my memory serves me,
and each person had their own gift, their own character, their own blessing.

when i recollect each beautiful face, i think of the particular light that they brought to the event.

we have a policy that all doctrine and politics be left at the end of the driveway.
in a way, that's our doctrine so i don't know if it's fair, but again,

'little children, love one another'

i find that while doctrine and politics are neccesary to the human species' intellect,

i also find that it causes division and predjudice.

judge ye not lest ye be judged.
these two powerful energies can cause a person to 'unlove' someone.

i think it's great to learn and listen and find out about a persons opinions and feelings,

but often (in politics or religion) we come to a point of, 'if you don't believe the way i believe,

you're wrong and quite frankly you suck.'

i think the apostle paul made it perfectly clear in his first letter to the corinthians- 1:11. . .there are quarrels among you. . . ie: "i follow chuck smith, well , i follow the pope, well, i follow orson bean!" (paraphrased)

vs.13:   IS CHRIST DIVIDED? were these other guys crucified for you? 

vs.18 states-  for the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.
for it is written; "i will destroy the wisdom of the wise;
the intelligence of the intelligent i will frustrate"

where is the wise man?
where is the scholar?
where is the philosopher of this age?

learning is a good thing. i hope i will always be teachable.

but i also don't want to be swayed by every wind of doctrine

that would separate me from the LOVE of Christ, or 

the LOVE in me, that keeps my eyes on the prize!

we need to be able to except one another for the people that God purposed  us to be.

the different colors that make the full picture.

if a certain doctrine is the way you sway-great!
we will all learn from you, but let us be who God intended us to be.

if you have a calling in politics, so be it.  let us learn from you, but let God do the moving.

if you have a 'mission field', hurray! teach us about it but don't judge me if it's not MY calling.

let God be the judge of a heart.

some of us need to go OUT.
some of us need to STAY HOME.

everyone of us is a facet of God's plan.
we don't need to judge or manipulate or generalize or divide.

it's all good when we learn to love one another.
through Christ our Lord.


photo by  talia filipek



mistake? who says?

i wanna start by saying: 'please give me the benefit of the doubt'. thanks.

okay so-
i was writing a card to a new friend and i made a mistake.
a bad mistake.
the kind that could ruin a card.
the kind that makes you feel stupid.
 i was writing in pen of course.
trouble is, is that it was a vintage card.
no replacing it.
so- ya know what i did?

i scribbled over my mistake and put little twinkle stars around it.

i wrote 'i like mistakes'

it was a real epifany for me.

i mean, there are mistakes we make that hurt people. things that can't be undone.

but for the most part, mistakes always lead to learning,
if we let them.    i mean really!

look at what we have to work with.

by our very nature we are

'off the mark'

shouldn't we embrace our mistakes as guiding stones to the right and level path?

even if the mistakes are huge, in time, something always comes round to good.

that's how it is for believers anyway. if i am free to make mistakes, will they really be mistakes?.

perfection is the end of all things.

we will be made perfect in the end. but for now, mistakes are the things we do on the way there.

sanctification, is something only Christ can do in me. i can't do it myself.

i come before him and lay my mistakes at His feet. if i didn't make mistakes, i wouldn't need Him.

so i'm glad i make mistakes. they bring me to the Rock that is higher than i.

if i quit requiring perfection in my own life and in others, i can rest in the knowledge that He who has begun a good work in me will finish it and that relieves me of putting unreasonable expectations on myself and others.

hurray! mercy triumphs over judgement.

ya know
i really do think it's why people like my paintings.
they look like happy mistakes.
i don't know about you, but for right now, i'm feeling pretty good about this and very free.

identity crisis?

over the decades i have often struggled with the person i am.
i frequently see relatives, in my smile or frown, that i never really cared for.
i didn't get the skinny arms gene or the broad shoulders gene.
i didn't get the white hair genes or the disciplined genes.
growing up, there have been ongoing phases of trying to 'recreate' myself.
watching others, gleaning ideas of how i want to  look, what i want to read or eat or do or be.
i've changed a lot over the years, thankfully.
i may not be as good a looker anymore but i have such peace.
in fact (thankyou Lord) i have such peace that, thursday, when someone tried to 'steal' my identity,
i was able to smile and laugh and know that this too would pass.
i know that the perpetrator wasn't trying to steal my identity for any other reason than my bank account,
but it got me thinking about my identity.
i've pretty  much abandoned  my old mainstream wanna-be thinking and have come into my own. . .
or maybe i should say, come into His own.
because at last, i find there is only one person i truly want to reflect, be like, represent in every area of my life. i want to identify with Christ.
He wants me to be just the way i am but with Him in  me. His love. His grace. His peace. His joy. His compassion that reaches far beyond my own limited capacity.
i no longer need to identify myself with a political stand, a doctrine, a type of art  or music or groove that only lasts for a whisp.
my identity in Him  is eternal.
- not to say i don't have my own preferences in all these worldly areas.
 i can even be a snOb at times, but i'm learning and working toward a goal -
keeping my eyes on the prize. (heaven help me )
i'll get my money back. and my identity? well it can never be stolen.
it was bought and paid for and the receipt is registered in the book of life.

a good time for roses

last week joe and i shopped and gardened

and cleaned and moved furniture and

shopped and gardened and putzed and detailed the house, yard , garage and gardens until the time ran out and it was finally

the day of the 4th of july bbq.

we had invited 40 friends and 30 came.

they brought steaming dishes of macaroni and cheese,

every kind of baked beans, salads, and pies

and cobbler, gingerbread and boston cream pie.

all served with large poofy clouds of whipped cream.

joe bbq'd mass quanities of chicken and

after singing grace together we all found places at various tables

or on the grass -  at home together

celebrating God's love and blessings and our freedom to gather.

we ate too much and then moved on into the long lingering afternoon

with iced tea and badmitton. horseshoes and black coffee. squirt guns and soda pops.

most of the women mingled  into little clusters, catching up on family news and the latest weightloss methods.

children ran and screamed and played while

the teenagers sat under the walnut trees playing guitars and then

crammed into a car and headed for the movie theater.

the weather was p e r f e c t. just about hot with a beautiful whisper of a breeze.

and the roses were in full bloom.

smiling, waving, quietly watching, coloring the borders of a wonderful day.

2 days later and i'm still high on it.

american dream-weaver housewife person

 yep.

i've been a housewife just about my whole adult life.

when we were kids, our mom worked outside the home.

she had to. but things didn't work out well because of it.

we did things we shouldn't have done and things were done to us that shouldn't have been done.

i guess i decided from a very early age that i would stay home and try to be june cleaver. (even though i didn't like her voice).

i  liked how she went in and talked to the boys and ironed things out, and then put the beave and wally to bed.

and the way she gave cookies to eddie even though she knew he was up to somethin'.

gee.

i was never that kind of housewife.

i just couldn't cook in high heels and pearls.

i was too fat.

i did wear a big ass apron though.

speaking of which-

you know that old question 'which came first the chicken or the egg'?

i got one for ya. which comes first, a big butt or not going anywhere?

i mean is it if you don't go anywhere, you get a big butt or if you get a big butt you don't wanna go anywhere?

this one has had me going around and around. (i hope you're laughing) if youre not laughing, you're probly stinkin skinny.

anyway, even though i've been a housewife all these years, i have found it to be rewarding.

it was very hard for me being a home mom and seeing others having 'careers'. they would say things like, 'it must be nice to be able to stay home'.

oh yeah. if you like low self-esteem, everyone blaming you for everything, no pay, poverty, and frumpiness. this was me. this was the mom i was. but i was so sold out to my convictions! i just couldn't leave home.

then the divorce happened. ( i think i got a little too frumpy)

for about a year after i lost 80 lbs on the devastation diet, and  turned 40,

i was at the peak of my life! i felt like everyday was my birthday.

i went dancing again, concerts, traveled, had BIG dreams.

but then- i met a man. we got married.

at the time, my xhusband had custody of our boys and my new husband's x had custody of theirs.

all grown up

when we got married, we bought a hUge house (during the clinton days) and got full custody of all of them. FIVE.

the oldest was 14.

the youngest was 8.

i had 2 jobs and was slim and busy,

but the boys had all been through divorce and terrible life changes.

they were having a hard time adjusting, and leaving them home after school or wheneVer was DANGEROUS.

we decided i would s t a y h o m e.

and you know- -we may not have been the best examples of parenting,  but we have raised 5 wonderful men.

we were devoted.

though me not working was so hard financially.

one time, we went to get foodstamps.

the lady in the office, yelled at me and humiliated me.

she said "YOU'VE GOT 5 TEENAGE BOYS AND YOU'RE NOT WORKING??!!"

they wanted us to sell our van so we could get money.

i tellya. it's crazy. my husband visits the juvies in the  local jail every week. we see what happens to kids when there's no one home and no one to give the attention to kids especially from broken homes. imagine how much money the taxpayers would save if families were able to earn a subsidy for one parent staying home.  instead of having them land in prison. prison costs big money!

we have raised 5 gentlemen. hardworking citizens with ethics and morals. they contribute to this society.

and what do i get for staying home? well- pretty much- nothin.

i mean in the sense that i get no social security, i have no retirement or pension, no medical benefits, nothin-nada-zip.

i put my trust in the Lord though. He is the one who has brought us through it all.

He has taken care of us thus far and will take care of us as He will in the future.

i don't get riled about government stuff. too many things to get mad about. but

'i have a dream' (thankyou martin)

SOMEbody NEEDS to stay HOME! it's worth having a big butt for.

a long and winding road

duncan, my youngest son, is in telluride colorado right now. he and his girlfriend and 3 other friends, piled in a van on monday for an amazing rocky mountain and bluegrass adventure. i'm so happy for them!

not to steal their thunder or anything, this journey of theirs has taken my brain back to my girl days, when i myself was a bit of an adventurer.

looking at the map and the roads leading to telluride, i saw some of my own journey before me.

memories of silverton, durango, pagosa springs, and mesa new mexico. some of the greatest experiences of my life in those few short months.

i was a hitch hiker.

i wore a long 40's  house dress and old lace up boots.

i carried a leather duffle bag with all my worldly posessions.

i had a multitude of necklaces around my neck (gifts from fellow travelers), and rings on every finger. i jingled. haha!

i usually had my long blonde hair tied in braids and i had an old vintage coat to keep me warm.

in fact,

once when i was soliciting a ride, i had my old coat on and a flowered scarf around my head and someone picked me up because they thought i was a little old lady out in the middle of nowhere.

i was so young and such a whisp of a thing.

i would lose my mind if i had a daughter doing that.

and my two sisters were doing the same thing at that time!

it was the 70's. and we must've been on the road for a year or more.

no fear. naive. wandering the long roads to anywhere.

growing up in a a small factory and farm midwestern town, all we could think about was getting out,  heading west. 

going out west was the dream.

i have hundreds of stories of close calls and people i met along the way.

the hunger the lonliness, the freedom, the call of the wild as it were.

i regret a lot of things in my life, but mostly things that i did to people and attitudes i've had. i have to say though, that even though i wouldn't want any of my kids to do what i did, i don't regret my travels.

times are different now. more cars, more speed, more danger, more pervs, more people, more of everything.

i really appreciate the folks i met, the places i saw, the escapes i made, and the Lord's angels that were with me.
i was a fool. but man do i have some amazing stories.
Thankyou Lord for sparing me.
and please bring duncan home safe.

mmmm s m e l l

i guess because it was such a long winter

with darkness, sniffles, plugged ears and no taste,

my senses seem so acute right now.

i know you probably know that the sense of smell

triggers more memories than sight.

 i feel like i've been hidden away for a long time

and i've just come out and the smells are

pulling memories of my childhood that

i didn't even know i had.

no big deal memories.

just little magical memories. impish memories.

like i'm a kid inside this old body.

oh-btw- i found out yesterday, i'm only 56.

ever since my birthday, i thought i was 57.

i can't tell you what it meant to me to know

i was younger than i thought.

have you ever seen a magician make someone disappear?

it kinda felt like that.

anyway, how about the smell of grass and clover.

how about the sweet fragrance of sheets on the line and

wild roses and lilacs and dirt.

i wonder if we'll smell in heaven? haha-i mean have the sense of smell.

maybe it'll be the most beautiful

fragrance

beyond our imaginations

and so familiar it'll make us feel safer than we ever felt.

 i bet the Lord smells good.

it's 2:30 pm

so what have i done all day?
well, it started out with a wakeup lying in bed,

dreamily listening through the crack in my window.

i didn't hear rain but it was still kinda dark, suns not out but the air is sweet and cool and the swallows are chittering as they do aerobatics from the barn's eaves.

i moved my legs and heard sylvia my cat purr and mutter.

she sneaks onto the bed when she knows we're in our REM.

i kicked off the quilt along with sylvia and stumbled into the loo.

i decided, looking in the mirror, even in my bleary state, that some of my hair was going to have to go.

i have 'thinning shears'.

i'm not complaining about my thick crop of hair.

so glad i have it, but at a point in time it must be thinned.

so i did a little clip clip here and a clip clip there

and then stepped into a steaming hot shower.

after drying and primping i got dressed fast.

pulled on my favorite cotton crops and a sweatshirt and felt ready for the day.

in the kitchen i turned on the gas under the tea kettle

and readied my bag of earl grey in my 1890's bluebird mug.

while the water was heating up i fed the kitties their morning chicken tuna special kittie breakfast.
grabbing my cup of brewing tea now, i stepped into the morning room. (that's what we call our living room in the morning)
this is where joe and i meet. He in the sofa, me on the lounge.
we read our Bibles and pray together. this wasn't always the way it was but it is now and i love it.
next comes breakfast. i LOVE my cornflakes.
i have to eat organic no sugar. my cornflakes are organic sweetened with fruit juice.
i pour soy milk over them and then a drizzle of maple flavored agave.
i could live on 'em.
joe and i eat in the dining room. quietly slurping and crunching and thinking about the tasks before us.
he usually tells me where he's going and when he'll be home and kisses me goodbye.
then there's me.
it's a cold day for being june 8th.
but it was still.   unusual for these parts.
so i went outside and checked on all my newly planted flowers and veggies,
checked on my plants in the greenhouse and began pulling weeds in the garden.
then i got the clippers.
then i got the rake,
then i got the shovel
and before i knew it i had spent two hours putzing and picking and pruning and playing.

i had to go in quickly to use the loo, and oh my gosh!

i had left the kettle on for my second cup of tea!

but Praise the Lord there was still a tiny bit of water in it

and nothing was ruined or burned to the ground!

from now on i'll be using the whistle part of the kettle.

though i might not have heard it outside.

this is how my day goes sometimes. flying by the seat of my favorite cotton crops,

i sat down in front of the computer with my tea and thought i'd look at etsy for a bit.

i saw an artist who knocked my socks off! so inspiring.

the kind of painter i wish i was.

he painted with fortitude and integrity, wit and charm and color and of olden days.

i wrote him.

you have to write a title to your note, so i titled it

' um. . . '

my note read,

'your work is breathtaking'

about an hour later he wrote back and said i had made his day! imagine that.

when joe came home for lunch, he told me about his hassels at home depot.

i said, in my 57 yr. old woman voice-

'well, something's got to be done' or '

we'll just see about that' or

'that's just not right'!

so we wrote a complaint. 

a real complaint.

a valid complant.

one that might just make a difference.

as we tried to send it , it just kept shutting down.

we tried to send it 6 times, but the website would just keep shutting down.

so joe called home depot and we got an e-mail address of some poor schmuck who has to take the brunt of other peoples mistakes. we sent that letter and when we did, we got 6 computerized replies from home depot, thanking us for our correspondence.

now i'm writing my blog (though i took a 5 minute friend break to talk to a kindred spirit, teri. love that girl.)

 i need to think about dinner and painting and tomorrow and other stuff come what may.

days come and go. some people think you are what you do.

i think you are what you hope to be. i hope to be joyful and grateful and at peace with where God has me.