last night i was at the end of my coping ability. all i could think about was going to the hospital and getting oxygen and some wonderful i.v. drug to put me out of my misery.
if you know me, you know how much i abhor (fear loathe hate) hospitals, so either i'm a wuss or i'm really really sick.
but, praise the Lord, it's always darkest before the dawn, and today,
even though i'm still in the bed,
i can breathe.
i have hope. ahhh, hope springs eternal . . .
unless you can't breathe. i am amazed at how intellect, reasoning or spiritual insight, all come crashing to a hault when i am unable to function physically.
i mean, pain beyond reason or gasping for air. all focus goes to trying to alleviate the suffering.
i asked God last night "what is the point in this? how can i be an effective human in this world if i'm this sick?" well, obviously He knew it wouldn't last and that i would be writing about it today.
isn't it GREAT how God gives us the opportunity to find Him in every circumstance?
one of the things i've thought about on this 4 day bed ride, is how hard it must be to be alone.
i have my wonderful husband, who works and makes me toast and tea and fills the humidifier and buys roasted chicken at the grocery.how does one take care of themselves? does the strength come? sounds sad to me, but!
you know what's sadder?to think about not having someone to take care of.
i need to be needed. i need it more than anything else.
but i'm sometimes afraid to commit. i have a fear of letting people down. because i will let them down you know. so what's that all about? well this train don't carry no strangers.
i guess i want to avoid conflict which i will always have if i want to have a real relationship with someone.
if you really love someone, you have to be able to work through conflict.
to reason, backdown, communicate, love the person as yourself etc...it's work. right lena? (i love you) it's so worth it.
the strongest relationships i have, are the ones that have had a bit of conflict we were able to work through.
if the relationship is the goal, then 'being right' or 'the winner' isn't always neccessary (except in scrabble)
i hope, when i get outta bed, someone needs me. just call me- p l e a s e ?
So funny,
ReplyDeleteI called you before reading your blog. You made some vulnerable statements, but I know many have caught the lack of commitment bug. We don't want to be hurt, we don't want to make mistakes. If families struggle to make it how can friendships?
We determine to commit, no matter what. We are humbly willing to stand down in an argument and give grace and forgiveness when truth is too painful. And if we do, we get the prize, a beautiful relationship that gives us a reason to be on this earth. We get someone to love and someone who loves us. What could be more treasured.
We (you and I) have been tested and our friendship is good, and deep, and rich. You will get better and just as sure as you will get better those boys will move in closer. I love you, your hubby, and all those wild and wonderful boys!
thankyou lucy. you're a love.
ReplyDeletehope my album delivery
ReplyDeleteand ocean slideshow
kept you in good company!
They were fortified with vitamin L
and were antiseptically enhanced.
Good for the lungs (singing & laughing)
=meow meow=
yo girlfriend with whiskers!