i. . . am an artist.

i can't even begin to tell you how hard it is for me to say these words.

wow. even as i write them,

tears burn my eyes.

as i head toward my own second childhood, memories come marching back with  a clarity that makes them seem almost cliche'.

like i've remembered them over and over

or looked at that photo album too many times.

but the captions of these memories are changing.

what used to be 'lee anne, cooking at the stove' is now 'lee wanting more than anything to be out on her own' or 'lee anne in front of her 2nd birthday cake' is now, 'dad was drunk in the background'.

scanning these memories at this stage of my life, i see a culmination of environments, influences, experiences, and desires that make up this peabody. 

when i look at my boys as adults, i can't help seeing them as babies, toddlers, children, adolescents, all at the same time. it's just amazing.

but now, for some reason, i'm sorta seeing me in the same way.

i hate to sound so me me me, but you're not here right now, for me to hear you say, (hopefully), 'yeah! same here! i know what you mean!'

i really have to interject here,  credit to the Lord , who works all things together for the good of those who love Him.

so upon sober self examination, i ask my heart, who have i been?

what am i made for?

what is the reoccuring theme in my life? ( i mean besides survival)

in times of peace, what is it that truly seems to be the thread that shines in this tapestry.  for me, it is -

the aesthetics.

like it or not, this is what it is.

and as i say it outloud, or see it here in this blog,

i except it.

i wish i was a nurse or a missionary or a forest ranger or a physicist or something more 'worthwhile',

but i'm not.

the sad part about it all- the saddest part of it all, is that i have felt like a poser all my life.

(even now.)

i have had no education in art or music or writing beyond highschool.

i would not could not give myself permission to spend the money or the time on such 'frivolities'. and the lack of learning discipline has been a severe handicap.

but WHAT THE HECK!

i only have a little time left so just DO it!

the arts may not be for everyone, but whatever you do, do it as unto the Lord!

he is Love

except your gift with warm embrace and go go go.

meanwhile, i'll try to take my own advice too  :)

p.s. in an attempt to adhere to my discovery, i have taken on a new name which is gigi. given to me by my first (and only) year, french teacher, mrs. dalton.

it looks really good on my paintings.